The Secret is Out
by Bleto
Summary: Jared Leto made a mistake... he fell in love.
1. Prologue

Lying awake in bed, arms intertwined behind his neck and staring unseeingly at the roof, he started to recall every single moment spent with her, it was all he did since she had decided to leave him.

It all started there, in his bed.

_"We should repeat it," he stated as he watched her getting dressed. He was still naked, lying onto the bed, the sheets barely covering his crotch._

_She smiled at him, showing her white teeth, and gazed at him, scolding him sweetly with her look. "We agreed it was going to be just only one time," she said and deflected her gaze to the front._

_"But you can't deny it was amazing, can you?" He tempted. She bent over and took her jeans off the floor. She slid her right leg into them, followed by the left one._

_"You're right," she slid her jeans up her legs and fastened the button. "I can't." She returned her gaze to his naked figure and threw a mischievous look. She spun around onto her tiptoes to face him and began to crawl onto the bed, approaching him._

_"It was the best sex I've had so far," she purred in his ear. Her hands made their way down his chest and got lost under the white sheet. His lips parted, letting out a stifled moan. She laughed._

_"Damn, you can't get enough," she mocked him and jumped off the bed._

_He was left there, surprised and frustrated. She had made him turned on again and had left him craving her._

_"I have to go, Jared," she announced after having tied down her shoe lace._

_"What?" it took him by surprise. "You can't leave me like this," he threatened._

_"Can't I? She said flippantly. Her lips curved into a smug smirk._

_She headed for the door willing to leave, but stopped right in front of it, her hand lying on the doorknob. Half her body turned around to face him, her eyes locked on him. _

_"It really was amazing," she smiled. "We definitely should repeat it." She winked and, before he could say something, the door pushed open and she left._

How great would've been if she hadn't actually meant that, Jared would have probably remained the same; reckless, shameless, childish. But she was not joking that day and Jared didn't stay the same. It all changed, thing which Jared didn't want to happen. None of them wanted.

He stood up; his figure, always looking strong despite his thinness was now looking fragile and skinnier than before, kinda sickish.

Jared shuffled towards the bathroom, his back and shoulders curved forward, as if he were carrying a heavy weight on them. Maybe he was.

All the pain he felt wasn't just concentrated in his heart. Every single muscle, tissue and bone hurt. Even breathing provoked a sharp pain deep inside his destroyed humanity.

He pushed the door open; the squeak of it filled the silent loft. It only lasted for a couple of seconds, leaving then the place in complete silence. A silence Jared couldn't take anymore.

His hands landed flat onto the sides of the sink, his head hanging forward with his chin glued to his chest. He looked weary. He_ felt_ weary. Weary of having those flashbacks repeatedly many times a day, weary of remembering every single detail of her, weary of feeling like shit, weary of missing her every goddamn second of his pathetic life.

He looked up at the mirror and watched his reflection in it. He didn't recognize himself. His brown long hair looked more tousled than the usual, his face was covered in stubble and his once bright and beaming look was hidden thanks to the bags under his eyes. He was devastated. And the worst of it all was that he was actually getting used to it.

"It was supposed to be just a game," he muttered to his own reflection, as If he were chiding himself. Sighing, he bowed his head; his chin brushing his chest and his hair covering his forehead. "How did I get myself into this?" he sounded frustrated and his voice broke at the last word, remembering the deal they had made.

He was right. It was supposed to be _just_ a game.

_Still trying to catch their breaths, were they lying on the bed. Him with both arms extended onto the mattress; her with her head onto his right arm. Smiles graced both their faces._

_"This is wrong." Her voice bounced off the walls. "This is so wrong," she sounded amused, downplaying importance to her own comment._

_"Yeah, I don't know," Jared could barely say. "It seemed pretty good to me." They both laughed._

_"Seriously though," she managed to look up at him without lifting her head off his chest. "This shouldn't have happened." She now sounded serious._

_"But it did happen, girl. What's the big deal about it?" She remained in silence. He was right. There was nothing wrong about it. They both enjoyed it. Boy, did they enjoy it!_

_"Let's make a deal, then," she suggested._

_"A deal?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow._

_"Yes, a deal." She made especial emphasis. She got upright to sit on the bed, hugging the covers to her naked body. She leaned her back on the headboard and turned her head to the left to look at him. "We both know sex is amazing between us…" Jared nodded as a cheeky smile appeared on his face. "Especially because we're friends," she gave a huge hint by saying those words._

_Jared's smirk grew wider. He had caught her idea immediately._

_"Fuck buddies." He stated. "You want us to be fuck buddies." The girl smiled at him._

_"Wow! You're pretty __**and**__ clever," she mocked him. Both of them laughed._

_"I've got the whole package, baby," he showed off. She rolled her eyes in amusement as her smile grew wider, showing her white teeth._

_"Do you agree?" she asked something to which answer was obvious. _

_"No strings attached." He recalled, as a warning that they could never, __**ever**__ fall in love._

_She straddled Jared and began to trace a path of wet and hot kisses from his abdomen all the way up to his sculpted chest. The girl smiled to the stifled moans Jared tried to hold back in his throat. Her lips reached his and, hovering her mouth over his opened one, she whispered sensually: "No strings attached."_

_Their mouths clashed together in a kiss that was all teeth and all tongue, making official the deal they had made._

A sad and stifled laughter escaped Jared's lips to the memory of that day. How did he get into this? The deal was perfect back then. It fit perfectly in everything. He didn't have the time to be in a serious relationship and, most of all, he _didn't want_ to be in a serious relationship. It just wasn't his nature.

The plan worked just as fine for a while, benefiting both of them. With the band and all those tours around the globe, Jared felt like a fish in the sea. So many girls he met and fucked, and he never felt guilty about it. He certainly missed her. Sex wasn't the same with her, it damn sure wasn't! But things started to change eventually in such a fast way they didn't even notice in time.

Every time Jared had to tour, it hurt to leave her. He would keep telling himself it was just because of the sex but deep inside him he knew it wasn't just about that anymore. It had stopped being just about sex a long, long time ago.

He would find himself thinking about her, day and night. His wild nights with girls started to be left behind. He couldn't do it. He wasn't able to be with another girl if it wasn't her. And it was killing him inside.

The desire of telling her how he felt was burning his insides but he never dared to tell her because the feel and joy of having her by his side was way much stronger than the burning wish to open up his heart. He knew that if he did so, he would lose her forever and he certainly didn't want that.

However, it didn't matter how much he tried to keep those strong feelings locked deep in his heart, away from the surface; it all came to an inevitable end.

_Jared's eyes opened slowly to the noises that were filling the room. His face was down against the pillow, the sheets only covering his lower bare body. He saw a thin figure standing by the side of the bed, giving its back to him. He recognized her and a small smile graced his face._

_The woman was getting dressed and that confused Jared. It was still dark outside._

_"Come back to bed, babe." his voice sounded husky since he just had woken up. "It's still dark." Her entire body froze and goosebumps ran through her spine. "Sweetie?" Jared inquired, pushing himself up onto his elbows. She was scaring him._

_"I'm sorry," she finally managed to say. Her voice cracked at the last word._

_"You're sorry?" he got up, wrapping the sheets around his hips. "What are you talking about?" he walked in her direction._

_"I didn't want you to find out like this." She shivered when she felt his hands brushing her arms._

_"Find out what? What's going on?" he wrapped his arms around her body, pulling her closer to his bare frame. His lips started to trail a path on her neck as his hands lifted up her shirt. "Just come. Back. To bed." He whispered in her ear in a husky voice, that voice that melted her inside. The voice that announced her he wanted to repeat what had happened a few hours earlier. _

_She closed her eyes and swallowed hard to clear her throat. "I can't." She could barely say and pulled away from him. "I have to leave." She grabbed her purse, leaving Jared with his arms empty._

_"Why? You know you don't have to."_

_"But I __**do**__ have to, Jared," she finally looked him in the eye. There was something glistening on her face. Jared thought it was tears, but wiped that thought away from his head. It was dark after all, and he could have imagined that._

_"Can you explain it to me? Because I have no idea why you're acting like this." He demanded._

_"This isn't working. We can't see each other ever again."_

_"What? Why?" He asked, alarmed. His most terrifying nightmare was coming true._

_"It's ruined, Jared. This is fucked up." She headed for the door in a hurry. It was obvious she didn't want to say anything more._

_Jared reached her out at the door and when she opened it, he took care of closing it back with a slam. The woman ended up between the door and Jared, giving her back to him._

_"Fucked up?" he asked, evidently annoyed. "Turn around." The girl obeyed. "Let's talk this over, okay?" he sweetened his voice._

_"No," she whispered. "It's not gonna work. Nothing could possibly work at this point."_

_"I'm confused," Jared withdrew his hand off the door. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes briefly._

_"No strings attached, remember?" she reopened her eyes and met his gaze. It was dark, yet she could see how surprised he was. "You fell in love, Jared. I can notice it."_

_Jared remained in silence for a couple of minutes and then pulled away from her. He walked towards his bed, giving his back to her. Not a single word escaped his lips._

_She lowered her head when she saw no response from him. A deep sigh escaped her mouth before taking her purse and reopening the door. His husky voice made her stop._

_"Is it just me?" he asked without daring to turn around. Jared felt she took ages to answer. He was scared to hear simple word that could change everything between them. He regretted asking such a question to which answer he wasn't prepared to yet he dreaded to hear._

_The woman took a step forward, willing to approach him, but she stopped. The least she wanted was to hurt him… more._

_"I'm sorry." She spoke the words he dreaded so much to hear. His eyes flooded with tears, he closed them with force to avoid tears from falling, but it didn't work. It only helped to make them fall faster. It was the first time he had cried over a girl because it was the very first time he had fallen deeply in love with one._

_Jared heard the door getting opened and her steps fading away in the dark. He knew she was never coming back._

She had left because she was just as scared as Jared, maybe even more. She was afraid of those feelings she had started to develop toward him, little by little, day by day. She would be in constant denial and used to tell herself she could handle her feelings, but she felt in love with him so fast she didn't even notice in time. She couldn't be in love with him; she didn't want to be in love with him, so she left. Jared had being the man she'd loved the most, the man she had _truly_ loved and the only thought of getting hurt by him made her run away.

She loved him, maybe she always would, but Jared would never know about it.


	2. Chapter 1

The sun filtered through the wall-length window, even though it was covered by a curtain. A shy ray hit him gently on the face, causing him to growl in discomfort. He shifted in bed, pulling the covers over his head, giving his back to the friendly sunbeam. But one thing he had –and hated– was that, once awake, he couldn't go back to sleep.

Snarling, he put the covers aside and sat upright, swinging his feet out of bed and placing them on the cold-tiled floor. He sat thee for several minutes, his hands flat on the mattress; his shoulders low, carrying the invisible weight of loneliness she had left. He ran his right hand through his long and disheveled hair, and sighed wearily, closing his eyes tightly. But as soon as he had closed them, he snapped them open. Behind his eyes all he could see was her: her smile, her eyes, her hair, her body that, to this day, still drove him crazy. He didn't want to remember her any longer, he didn't want to be thinking about her every second of his life, he wanted the life he had before she jumped in back. He was tired of living off of her memory, off of the memories they had made together, the dreams they had once shared, the life they had built together; a life she had taken away from him when she walked out the door.

With a weary sigh, he stood up and headed towards the bathroom. He stood there, in front of the mirror, drinking in the shabby picture he made. His face was almost unrecognizable: it was a lot thinner. The thick beard had almost covered a good part of his featured and the deep dark bags under his eyes had hidden the once bright blue color of them. His shoulder-length, dark hair had lost its usual glow. It looked untidy and dirty. He looked even older that his 41 years when he usually looked 10 years younger.

He pulled his white t-shirt over his head and tossed it to the tiled floor. His eyes traveled down his naked torso; his ribs were sharp, cutting through the skin; the once strong muscles that adorned his thorax were long gone. He skimmed the tip of his fingers over his ribs and stomach, wondering when he had gotten alarmingly thin.

He shed his remaining clothes and turned on the shower. He let the warm water wash over his weary body, hoping that all of his feelings would go down the drain, too. Leaning his right arm against the wall, his head hanging forward, he let the tears stream down his cheeks, getting quickly lost in the water. And he swore right then that it would be the last time he'd cry for her. And he was willing to fulfill his promise.

"Come on, man. Let's go to that party." Shannon exclaimed, trying so hard to motivate his little brother to go to the party they had been invited to. A little distraction would be good for him, he had thought. But Jared was reluctant. He didn't want to leave the comfort of his house, the torture of his memories. He didn't want a distraction, he _didn't need _a distraction.

"I've told you I don't want to go to that stupid party." Jared looked at his brother, his arms crossed over his chest. "I'm good here."

"Are you?" Shannon cocked an eyebrow. "Are you really good here? Aren't you done torturing yourself already?" His voice sounded desperate and annoyance laced through it.

Jared looked at his brother for a brief moment before turning his gaze away. His words hurt. He didn't understand what he was going through; nobody understood what he was going through. And he was way too tired to try to explain them all.

"I'm not going, Shannon." He said determined, not turning his eyes back to his big brother. He hoped that would do and Shannon would give up on the situation, but apparently he didn't know Shannon as well as he thought.

"I am not taking any of your shit right now." Shannon stated. "You're going to that party, Jared, whether you want it or not."

Jared hadn't thought that Shannon was going to actually drag him to the club the party was held at. He didn't think he would, but he did. And there he was, sitting at the farthest corner of the noisy club, alone. The loud music blared around the small club and the strobe lights danced off of people's skin. It all had provoked a dull headache.

He saw Shannon dancing on the dance floor with two girls wrapped in each of his arms, a cigarette in the right hand and a glass full of alcohol in the left hand. He was already drunk. Jared shook his head and grimaced when a bright light hit him in the face. He was mad and annoyed. He wanted to be at any place but this, especially here where girls didn't cease to bother him with flirtatious smiles and winks.

The night moved forward and so did he. He had lost sight of Shannon long ago and he was slightly drunk already. Nothing serious though. If he didn't find Shannon, he could easily drive his way back home.

He had moved from the hidden corner to the bar, where he had gotten drunk in the first place. A girl had placed herself next to him, leaning in against the bar to order a couple of drinks. Jared looked at her. She was much smaller than him; the honey blond hair reached the middle of her back; her tanned skin shone under the strobe lights; her figure was tightly wrapped in a short red dress. Yes, she looked exactly like her, and Jared couldn't help the erection that was growing behind his zipper.

The woman turned her head in his direction and smiled at him seductively, leaning in a little bit more against the bar.

"Hey, handsome," she said loudly so her voice could be heard over the music. She approached him, their shoulders rubbing each other.

"Hey." Jared said, his gaze running all over her body.

"My name is—"

"Wanna go to my place?" Jared interrupted her, going straight to what was important.

The blonde girl smiled widely at him, lust brimming beneath her eyes. And bringing her lips to his ear, she said: "I'd be stupid if I said no, now wouldn't I?" She licked his lobe, which made him twitch in his jeans. He smiled and, taking her by the hand, they left the noisy club.


	3. Chapter 2

The shifting weight beside him made him smile in his slumber. Stretching in bed and with his eyes still closed he turned his body around giving his back to the covered window. He slowly opened his eyes; the tanned skin, the petite, naked body and the honey blonde hair widened his smile.

"Come back to bed, Audrey." He claimed, his voice still tinged with slumber.

"It's Laurie, you silly." The girl turned half body towards Jared and the smile disappeared from Jared's lips. "You've been calling me that way since yesterday night, when we met."

The now unknown girl crawled seductively onto the bed towards Jared, her tanned skin glowing in the morning light. She let every inch of her body being exposed to him and he remembered why he had picked her among the plenty of girls that sure were wherever he had gone last night. She looked exactly like his former lover: the skin, the honey blonde hair, the size, the features of her face, her voice, goddammit, even her name was quite similar.

A dull rising ache began to creep up to Jared's head as he closed his eyes in annoyance and let his back fall back to the mattress. His left hand traveled to his head and placed his thumb and forefinger on the bridge of his nose.

Soon he felt the girl's warm body upon his naked skin; her lips leaving a moist and sloppy trail of kisses down his neck to his chest. He grunted in discomfort, but the girl smiled against his skin, misunderstanding the meaning.

"You like it, huh?" she asked as she straddled him.

Jared could feel how ready she was for him through the thin white bed sheet but that didn't wrench any reaction from him, any pleasant reaction anyway.

He placed his hands onto her hips and sitting upright, he pushed her aside; if he was gentle or not, he didn't care.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Dory, Courtney, Chloe or whatever her name was whined.

Jared sat on the edge of the bed and raked a hand through his tousled hair. He sighed.

"You should get dressed." He suggested, not caring to give his face to the confused girl. He stood up, wrapping the bed sheet around his skinny hips and headed towards the bathroom. "You can use the phone to get yourself a cab." He said coldly to then lock himself in the bathroom. Not even one glance was shot in her direction.

He cursed himself in his mind over and over again. He felt stupid for having brought this girl to his house because she looked exactly the girl he was trying to forget about. He didn't even remember if they had had a good time at least. He figured out he hadn't, because he didn't remember a goddamn thing. The only proofs of his messing up were the naked girl in his bedroom and the dull growing headache.

"Asshole!" he heard from the other side of the door and the taping of heels in the wooden floor and the stairs made him aware that she was fortunately gone.

He took a quick shower, cleaning the scent of that woman away from his body. He felt hung over and the taste of alcohol and that woman's lips was still on his tongue.

He decided to wear tight black jeans and the famous «too much pressure» torn-up white t-shirt of his. He slipped in his boots, keeping the zippers of them down. He tied his wet hair into a messy bun at the nape of his neck.

He looked himself at the mirror and, for the first time, he felt afraid of what he saw reflected in there. He was way too skinny; his black jeans weren't so tight anymore, his shirt looked two sizes more than his, when it normally fitted perfectly. His arms were so thin that he dreaded they would break with a not-so-tight grip. His face shocked him the most: his sharp cheekbones and sunken eyes made him look like a zombie. It was the first time he actually realized how much of a wreck he was and he was willing to change that. If she had moved on, well, he would, too. He _could_ move on. He was Jared-freaking-Leto.

But it's much easier said than done.


End file.
